do i dance around the fact that i dropped out because of debilitating mental illness?? “personal reasons??” do i just say “i had to find myself bc tulane wasnt working out?” do i write weird depression recovery inspiration porn? what do i do??! someone tell me what to do
help help i hate college essays
how honest should i be? how much bullshit should i write? what stories do i tell? all i can be is clear??
i don’t even think i’m gonna get in at this point
i have 3 days basically shit shit shiit
i wish i was one of those people for whom alcohol just didn’t work for.
but i’m not.
i miss my cat
i miss him so deeply
i am convinced everyone hates me except my bosses (who are deluded into thinking i’m better than i am)
i saw an old acquaintence, study hall bud, working at the coffee shop in burlington. she caught me in a professional outfit with my makeup on. i didn’t get her number but i’ll probably see her again soonish. hah.
no communication from the d-list cult leader, and i sure as hell am not pursuing him. except to end him.
the world is so ugly, i am heartbroken
rape (is a) jokes, hypocrisy, patriotism, internalized violence.
impending #severe depression
i am convinced all my friends hate me or worse, believe i’m pathetic. or rather, know i am more pathetic than i think i am.
i have been in a low-key panic all day
what does “jaded” even mean? what does “straight” even mean? what am i actually ready for?
woah forgot to post this
i’m feeling v intoxicated woah
wearin a Chunky Necklace and a tank top with sequins on it for this job interview
pray for me i am so nerrrvous
in the beginning of recovery, i had to teach myself to live according to the philosophy of “treat yourself” rather than “suicidal abnegation”
and when it actually began to feel good to treat myself (rather than a stimulus for intense and wrathful guilt)! it was a whole new revelation! a miracle! like, WOW. i can be nice to myself and it works!
i don’t want to get to the point where i’m just lazy and save absolutely no money and back away from my more “inconvenient” values
i got myself a nice expensive pair of shoes and let myself do nothing today
i just need to find a healthy way to treat myself and be pragmatic at the same time
this is a lot harder as i move outside of my reclusive bubble
i never see my depression as a “disability”
until i look at my friends who don’t have to deal with Appointment after Appointment after Appointment. They don’t circle their routines around their medications or have to panic before leaving the house.
which is so weird and fascinating to me, i’m impressed.
That makes me wonder - if people without get curious about something, they might have the drive to actually sit down and learn about it rather than playing internet solitaire for 5 hours straight? and they don’t hate themselves while doing either of those activities?
i’m not sure if I can fairly attribute my non-productivity to depression or if it is just laziness. There’s definitely elements of both in my behavior - I don’t want to take the easy route out either way.
people blathering on about “i hate small talk i’ll never have small talk”
that’s so fucking pretentious
i thought that way in the 11th grade
i don’t want to fake some deep conversations with strangers, i don’t want to ignore strangers. it makes me feel good to have a positive interaction with someone, to talk about lighter things than i might be feeling. because the weather and music that i like and silly family comparisons still exist beyond our philosophy.
sometimes i love those tiny, fleeting, lightly intimate conversations with strangers. sometimes, i care what they have to say.